You Look Good
by Wyolake
Summary: Shepard gets drunk after the events of Arrival and inadvertantly has EDI drunk-dial Kaidan.
1. Chapter 1

**You Look Good**

Shepard sat in the med bay after Admiral Hackett left. She felt stunned. Stunned and empty.

"When the call comes you be there in your dress blues, ready to take the hit," she recalled Hackett saying.

Ready to take the hit for 300,000 Batarian deaths. No. 300,000 _civilian_ deaths. Their race didn't matter, not to her. She put her head in her hands and concentrated on breathing.

"Commander?" Shepard startled slightly at Dr. Chakwas' voice. "Are you alright?"

"You tell me, Doc," Shepard said in a nonchalant tone. "Am I good to go?"

The older woman looked at Shepard skeptically for a long moment. "Physically you're fine, but I'm a little concerned about your emotional state."

Shepard gave her a small smile. "I'm pretty worn out, but I'll be okay."

Chakwas continued to regard Shepard with her trademark stare. Shepard resisted the urge to shift uncomfortably and stared right back. Chakwas gave a sigh. "You are free to go, but please promise me you'll call if you need to talk."

Shepard jumped off the table and gave the doctor's shoulder a squeeze. "It's a deal," Shepard said with a smile and strode out of sick bay.

Shepard went up to the helm and smiled a bit when Joker greeted her without even turning around. "How long will it take us to get to Ilium, Joker?"

Joker gave Shepard a sideways glance that was full of confusion. "About eight hours. Why Ilium?"

Shepard ignored his question. "EDI, open up the ship wide intercom," she said to the AI.

The intercom beeped and Shepard took a deep breath and stood at parade rest. Joker turned his chair around so he fully faced her; his brows were drawn in a severe expression of confusion.

"We have set course for Ilium and when we dock everyone is on forty-eight hours shore leave. I intend to get leave, too, so no one get arrested or enter into any half-baked Asari contracts. Since this ship is no longer a Cerberus vessel, we will be heading to Alliance space upon departing Ilium. Any crew members who wish to avoid the Alliance or want to keep working with Cerberus may stay on Ilium. I simply ask that you stop by to talk to me after shore leave so I can give you my thanks for your devotion and exemplary effort in defeating the Collectors before you go. Shepard out."

"Uhm…Shepard?" Joker started, but trailed off.

Shepard gave him a small grin. "We've all earned some down time. I want you to get off the ship for a little while, too, Joker."

Joker looked at her intensely for a moment, his expression one of concern. "What about you?"

Shepard held the grin and hoped he couldn't see how hard it was for her to maintain it. "I'm going to start my leave right now. EDI, I don't want to be disturbed by anyone for anything until shore leave is over."

"Understood, Shepard," The AI responded.

"Have some fun, Jeff," Shepard patted his chair. "You've earned it." With that she strode off the bridge and kept the small grin on her face until she got on the elevator and the doors closed.

* * *

><p>Shepard sat, well actually reclined, on the couch in her quarters with her bare feet on the couch. She took another long drink from the bottle she held and looked at it with irritation when nothing more came out. Two bottles down and she was drunk, but not drunk enough. She guessed the Cerberus upgrades included a higher tolerance for alcohol.<p>

Shepard looked to the coffee table to her left. The room seemed to rock slightly back and forth as she did. With a giggle she moved her head more and let out a "Wheee!" as the couch rocked with her. She reached out and set the empty bottle on the table only to hear it clatter softly on the carpet. "Whoops," she sighed and looked for the other bottle. She saw it on the coffee table. It was fuzzy and there were two of them. "I am drunk!" she muttered.

Normally, Shepard rarely drank. She didn't like the feeling of being out of control; her whole being was about maintaining control. "Yeah, right," she said to the empty room. "What part of Bahak did you have control of, Shepard?"

She leaned over to grab the new bottle and nearly fell over. She managed to catch herself by clutching the table. With her other hand she floundered until she managed to get a hold of the bottle and she pushed herself back up on the couch and resumed her position.

It occurred to her that she was finally being allowed back into the Alliance. She would have her rank again. Her identity again. The smile from that thought faded as she realized she was only being reinstated so she could be put on trial.

She angrily opened the bottle and took a long drink. She immediately began to sputter and cough and sat up. This liquor was completely different from what she had been drinking before. She hadn't expected the sweetness of the amber liquid after the sourness of the colorless one.

Shepard gave the bottle her best battle stare and defiantly took another long guzzle. Now that she knew what to expect she found the taste gratifying. It really was pretty good. Hopefully Kasumi wouldn't be too upset at her for pilfering the liquor from the thief's room.

She put her head on her knees and contemplated the empty room. What would they say at the hearing? Would they understand why she had destroyed the relay and therefore the Bahak system? Did she understand it?

"I had to stop the Reapers," she told the empty room. "It was 300,000 or three trillion."

The reasoning was sound, but it didn't make her feel any better. She ran through the entire mission in her head and tried to figure out how she could have changed the outcome. There must have been some clue she missed while she was in the shuttle with Kenson. Maybe she should have refused to go to the base. When she saw the artifact she should have immediately fought her way out.

Shepard wiped away tears and took another long drink. Nothing she could think of would have made any difference to the outcome. She knew she had done what she could and, although she mourned the deaths, she had come to terms with the outcome.

"They're putting me on trial," she muttered as sadness and indignation warred within her. "I stopped Saren and saved the Citadel. I died and was brought back and willingly took up the fight again. I defeated the Collectors. The Alliance abandoned me and after all of that they are still going to ignore the Reapers and throw me in a locked cell."

She took another long drink and then another as more tears fell. She put her head back on her knees and closed her eyes. The silence of the empty quarters seemed too loud, too oppressive. She wished Kaidan was here to hold her and put everything in perspective with his wonderful analytical mind. She envisioned his soft amber eyes, the caress of his hands and his husky voice when he whispered in her ear.

Her eyes snapped open. "Oh, Kaidan," she moaned in horrified realization. What would he think when he heard about what she had done? He would be mortified, she realized. His anger over her working with Cerberus would be nothing compared to his disappointment over this. She remembered on Horizon how he had turned and walked away from her and the heartache was just as strong now as it was then.

"He'll hate me," she whispered and moaned at the pain that ran through her with that realization. She tried to take another drink, but couldn't force the lump out of her throat. She wearily put her head back on her knees and let the lethargy from the alcohol take her over. Tears fell as she drifted asleep.

"Shepard," EDI's mechanical voice shattered the silence and Shepard startled. "Do you need anything?'

Shepard put her head back down, dimly aware that the AI had spoken. Her body felt heavy and it was difficult to think. Shepard's eyes closed and EDI was forgotten.

"I wanna talk to Kai'an," Shepard mumbled into her knees, unaware of EDI's response and departure.

* * *

><p>Kaidan jerked out of sleep and blinked rapidly trying to find what had awoken him so suddenly. His terminal beeped. It signaled a high priority call was waiting.<p>

Kaidan ran a hand through his hair and looked at the clock. 0245. What could Anderson want at this time of the morning? He thought in irritation.

The incessant beeping got him moving and he sat at the terminal, stabbed at the button and tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. His hands fell away as he saw the screen.

ESTABLISHING CONNECTION….PLEASE WAIT.

He had never seen that message when answering a call before.

ESTABLISHING CONNECTION….PLEASE WAIT.

Not even on encrypted channels.

ESTABLISHING CONNECTION….PLEASE WAIT.

Someone had called him, but they weren't there waiting for him to answer? "What the hell is going on?" he muttered under his breath.

The screen switched to the video feed. Kaidan saw the back of someone in a grey t-shirt and heard shuffling. The person seemed to be trying to get the chair back in place in front of the monitor.

"Dammat," came the indistinct mutter over the feed.

The person wobbled and turned around and Kaidan saw a bottle of liquor – only a third full- swing across the monitor and heard it roughly placed on the desk next to the monitor.

The person sat –fell?- ungracefully into the seat and blinked bleary blue eyes at the monitor.

"Shepard?" Kaidan breathed in shock. Her golden hair was down and messy. It was a lot longer than he remembered and fell below her shoulders. Her eyes were red and bloodshot and her nose was rosy.

Shepard blinked at him a couple of times and then threw her head on her arm on the desk. "Shit," she moaned. Suddenly she sat up and turned in the chair to look at something to the left and behind her. "EDI! Dammit! I dinn't mean liturly!"

"Are you drunk?" Kaidan exclaimed in shock. Shepard rarely ever drank and when she did it was never to excess. He had never seen her have more than two drinks, but the woman before him now was utterly shit-faced.

Shepard turned the chair back and looked at him. "Yes…yes, I am. Hiya, Kai'an," she said as she placed her elbow on the desk and propped her head up on her hand. She surveyed him for a long moment. "You look good." She smiled at him and wiped a tear off her face.

"What's wrong?" he asked, truly concerned.

Shepard shook her head in her hand and then sat up. "Thatz too long a list. I'll tell you what's right, though. That won't take long," the last was said with a humorless bark of laughter.

"I went through the Omega 4 relay and kilt the C'llecter base," she said with a big smile. "I also told The Illusive Man he could shove Cer'brus up his ass and kept the Normandy." She made a wide gesture with her hands to indicate her surroundings.

"You…what?" Kaidan stammered.

Shepard ignored him or didn't hear him because she continued. "And that's all the good news," she said sadly and took a long pull at the bottle.

"Emelia," Kaidan barked. "What happened?" His tone worked and she looked at the monitor again. His heart clenched at the look in her red eyes. She looked…haunted.

"I screwed up, Kaidan," she whispered as tears fell. "But I had a really good reason," she finished forcefully as she leaned closer to the monitor. She put her head back on her arms and looked at Kaidan sadly. "You look good." The soft, sad tone she kept using when she said this made Kaidan wonder if she meant 'I miss you'.

"Em," Kaidan whispered, but he couldn't get any further than that. His throat closed tight and he wanted to cry along with her.

Shepard squeezed her eyes shut briefly and impatiently wiped away the tears. She sat up and drank the last of the bottle before looking at the monitor again.

"When you hear…hear about it, please don't jump to conclusions," she said and took a shaky breath. "I did the best I could and I'm sorry. I…" she made a sound almost like a small sob.

Kaidan grabbed the monitor in both hands. Lieutenant Commander Emelia Shepard did not cry, and she certainly didn't sob. "Em, tell me what happened," Kaidan said with near panic in his voice.

"Hackett knows. He knows all of it, so when you hear you need to talk to him. Please." Shepard lifted the bottle again and gave it an angry stare for being empty.

She put the bottle on the desk with studious care and looked back at Kaidan. "You look good, Kaidan." She began to cry now. Tears fell unchecked and her shoulders shook with silent sobs.

"I don't want you to hate me," she whispered and cut the connection.

"No! Damn it, no!" Kaidan yelled at the screen. "Re-dial," he thundered at the interface.

COMMAND NOT FOUND. PLEASE REPEAT COMMAND.

"Re-dial!" Kaidan growled in frustration and panic.

NO INPUT DATA FOUND. PLEASE ENTER DESTINATION CODE FOR CONNECTION.

"Re-dial the last caller," Kaidan shouted as he stood up.

NO INPUT DATA FOUND. PLEASE ENTER DESTINATION CODE FOR CONNECTION.

"FUCK!" Kaidan roared and paced the room as he ran his hands through his hair. How had she managed to call him using an untraceable connection? He had to get a hold of her, talk to her more.

In uncharacteristic full-blown panic Kaidan brought up his omni tool and punched the buttons.

"Lassiter, get over to my quarters now!" Kaidan shouted the instant the tech answered the call. "It's urgent!"

"Be there in ten," came the sleepy reply and the call cut off.

Kaidan continued to pace as images of Shepard's tear stained face and haunted eyes ran through his head. "What the hell is going on?" he muttered to the empty room.

When Staff Lieutenant Brian Lassiter finally made it to Kaidan's quarters, Kaidan practically threw the man into the chair at the terminal.

"I received a call, video at…" Kaidan checked the time and found it was only 0305. "Twenty minutes ago. I need to call that person back, it's urgent."

The thin black man blinked sleepily at his friend and then started working on the terminal. "There's no call in the log, Kaidan," he said as he watched the Major pace.

"I received a high priority call at that terminal at 0245," Kaidan managed not to snarl at the tech. "I saw her, I talked to her. It was really her."

Lassiter regarded Kaidan for a moment. "Hm, so this is about a woman. That's good. I was afraid you were going to be a hermit for the rest of your life," Lassiter began delving into the mail system and typed several tracking commands.

Kaidan continued to pace as his friend worked. This had to work. He had to talk to her more; see her again. Find out what was wrong.

Eventually Lassiter sighed and rubbed his eyes. "There is nothing there, Kaidan. I've tried everything I can think of, but there's no trace of any call."

"There has to be," Kaidan said in desperation as he leaned against the wall.

"As far as I can tell this terminal hasn't received a message in two weeks. I've looked for piggybacks, encryption, mode jumps. Nothing. I don't know how they did it, but there's no evidence of a call. I'm sorry, Kaidan."

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" Kaidan roared as he slammed the side of his fist on the wall with each word. He put his head on his arm for a moment and then sat wearily on the couch. "I appreciate the effort, Brian."

"How about we go get some breakfast?" Lassiter asked. "I'll buy."

Kaidan scrubbed his forehead and shook his head 'no'. Lassiter rose from the terminal and placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "Let me know if you need anything, Kaidan. Don't stay cooped up in here all day."

"Thanks, Brian," Kaidan said and the tech left. Kaidan checked the time and found it was 0410. He sat there trying to think of another way to find Shepard and find out what had happened to her.

His terminal beeped to indicate a high priority message was waiting. Kaidan jumped up and lunged for the terminal. His heart raced with hope that it was Shepard calling him back.

A tired, rumpled looking Anderson appeared on the screen and Kaidan barely stopped a moan of despair from coming out. "Admiral," he said instead.

"Alenko, I'm sorry to bother you so early in the morning, but I need you to come to my office ASAP." Anderson said and his face had the most serious expression Kaidan thought he had ever seen on the battle worn officer.

"Yes, sir," Kaidan replied and the Admiral cut the connection.

* * *

><p>Shepard lay on the cold floor of her bathroom and moaned in misery. Not only was she sick as a dog, but she remembered somehow talking to Kaidan last night. She wasn't really sure what all she had said, but she remembered crying. She had let him see her cry and that pissed her off. Her self-loathing was cut off by another bout of nausea and she quickly got up and leaned over the toilet.<p>

When she was done she lay back down on the floor and covered herself with a towel. She was dozing when she heard the bathroom door open. She didn't bother to try to lift her head to see who it was.

"Shepard," Chakwas said softly and knelt beside her. "You look like something the cat dragged in."

"Go 'way," Shepard tried to growl, but it came out more of a garbled mutter.

"I brought some medicine to help you feel better. No need to suffer this much of a hang over."

Shepard sat up and pinned the doctor with a furious scowl. "I don't want your damn medicine! I want to be miserable and I want to be left alone." The flash of movement and emotion was too much for her stomach and she ended up leaning over the toilet again.

Chakwas quietly held Shepard's hair while the younger woman retched. Once Shepard was finished Chakwas went to the sink and wet a cloth which she put on the back of Shepard's neck as she lay on the floor.

"Does that help?" Chakwas asked mildly.

Shepard nodded a bit and sniffed. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, Doctor," she said quietly. "I drank all that alcohol I figure I should pay the price."

"I think you've paid enough and I don't want you to end up dehydrated and even sicker," Chakwas said as she pressed the hypo into Shepard's neck.

* * *

><p>Joker shuffled into the cockpit and took over for his shift. He checked all the readings from the previous shift and ensured everything was still on course.<p>

"We'll be at Ilium in less than an hour," Joker said to the blue orb without looking at it. "I better let the Commander know."

"Commander Shepard is currently experiencing a pronounced adverse reaction due to over indulgence in ethanol consumption. I informed Doctor Chakwas and she is attending to the Commander now. I would suggest speaking with the Commander at a later time, Jeff."

Joker turned his chair to stare dumbfounded at EDI. "Shepard got drunk?" he asked in disbelief.

"Extremely." EDI replied. "The Commander imbibed at least two bottles of liquor prior to her discussion with Alliance Major Kaiden Alenko and a similar amount afterward."

"Wait. EDI, what…?" Joker was completely flabbergasted at the AI's revelation. "Shepard spoke to Kaidan? How?"

"I was conducting my standard monitoring routines and noticed the progressive changes in Commander Shepard's bio-readings. When those readings reached potentially hazardous levels I chose to contact the Commander in the interest of her well-being. I asked if she needed anything and she requested I contact Major Alenko," came the emotionless reply.

"And you did it!" Joker yelled at the orb. He quickly looked down the command deck then dropped his voice to a harsh whisper. "Damn! EDI, you let a drunk Shepard talk to Alenko? There's no telling what she said!"

"The conversation lasted six minutes and fifty-two seconds. The audio-visual transcript is stored in my database, but, like all personal communications, may only be accessed by the individual conducting those communications or the commander. I can tell you, however, that Shepard exhibited a highly distressed emotional state during and after the discussion."

Joker put his head in his hands. "EDI, pay attention. When humans get drunk they do stupid things. Don't _ever_ fulfill another request given by a drunk Shepard."

"Jeff, even when she is intoxicated Commander Shepard is the commander of this vessel. Unless she specific-

"Right, EDI, I got it; I got it. Just…," Joker shook his head. "Run requests like that through a human next time, okay?

"Understood, Jeff. I apologize for any distress I may have caused."

"Oh, and EDI? Do an extranet search on drunk dialing and its implications." Joker said. He shook his head again and called Doctor Chakwas to find out just how hung over Shepard was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Kaidan arrived at Admiral Anderson's office and the assistant immediately opened the door for him. Kaidan walked in and saw Admiral Hackett was there, as well. This was unexpected and the presence of the Fifth Fleet Commander caused a sinking sensation in Kaidan's stomach. Whatever Anderson wanted to talk to Kaidan about it wasn't going to be good.

Kaidan stepped into the room and snapped a crisp salute. "Admiral, reporting as directed."

Anderson returned the salute and Kaidan dropped his hand. "Admiral Hackett," Kaidan greeted the grizzled man.

Hackett inclined his head as Anderson invited them all to sit. Once they were all settled Anderson heaved a sigh and looked at Kaidan. "Major, I'm sorry to bring you in so early in the morning, but we have a major issue that occurred."

"Two days ago an asteroid was sent into the relay in the Bahak System," Hackett stated in a serious tone. He appeared tired and a little rumpled as if he had traveled straight here without taking time to freshen up. "The resulting explosion destroyed the entire system and the Batarian colony there."

Kaidan was stunned. "How did an asteroid collide with the relay?" he asked in astonishment.

Anderson and Hackett traded a pointed look and Kaidan felt a sense of dread. Anderson stood and paced over to the balcony as Hackett continued.

"I asked Commander Shepard to rescue an Alliance operative who was being held by the Batarians in the Bahak system," Hackett said quietly. "The operative believed she had found a Reaper artifact that proved a Reaper invasion was imminent. Shepard confirmed that theory. The only way to stop the invasion was to destroy the relay."

Kaidan couldn't breathe. He was stunned by this news. He looked down at his clasped hands and tried to get himself under control. He knew this is why Shepard had called him and from her emotional state the worst news was yet to come.

"How many people were in the system?" He asked quietly.

Hackett sighed. "Over 300,000. No survivors."

Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut and ran a hand over his forehead.

"The Batarians are already calling for war," Anderson spoke for the first time. "At least two out-lying colonies have already been attacked."

Kaidan gave a short bark of derisive laughter. "Batarian slavers are always attacking colonies. Just like Mindoir and Elysium."

Hackett cleared his throat. "That's true enough, but the colony on Bahak was full of innocent people and the Hegemony is understandably enraged."

Kaidan nodded, but took a moment before he spoke. "What happens now?" he asked and looked between Hackett and Anderson.

Hackett bowed his head and rubbed at his eyes. "I spoke with Alliance Command and they want to avoid a war. With the Reapers coming we can't afford to be embroiled in a scuffle with the Hegemony."

"They have called for Shepard to be brought to Earth for a hearing," Anderson supplied as he walked over to stand next to Kaidan's chair. He put a hand on Kaidan's shoulder.

Kaidan hung his head and hoped Hackett couldn't see the pain this news caused him. Anderson's actions showed he knew how hard this would hit Kaidan. "She called me," Kaidan said barely above a whisper. He looked up and saw both Admirals looking at him in shock.

"She called me early this morning. She was…" Kaidan trailed off and took a deep breath. "She was extremely upset about something, but she wouldn't say what. She only said she had done something horrible and she was sorry."

All three men sat in silence for a moment until Hackett cleared his throat. "Alliance Command is doing this mostly for show to avoid war with the Batarians. They are also concerned the Batarians might attempt to assassinate Shepard. This is for her protection, as well."

Kaidan didn't respond to this. He doubted Shepard would see being brought to trial as trying to help her.

"I came from debriefing Shepard and stopped here to fill Anderson in. I need to head back to Arcturus Station." Hackett rose from his seat and Kaidan did the same. "Anderson," he turned to his old friend. "I'll contact you when Alliance Command gives me the date for Commander Shepard to appear before them."

"Understood," Anderson said as he saluted the senior officer. "I'll get her there."

Hackett returned the salute and held out his hand to shake Anderson's. "I told her to expect it and she said she would turn herself in. She'll be waiting for your call." Hackett turned to Kaidan who saluted him. "Take care, Major," Hackett said returning the salute and left the room.

Kaidan and Anderson were silent for a long time and Kaidan walked to the balcony and leaned on the short wall. He hung his head as he tried to come to terms with what he just heard. Anderson joined him and put his hand on the younger man's shoulder again.

"She did it to stop the Reapers, Kaidan," Anderson said softly. "You know she would have saved that colony if there had been any way to do so."

Kaidan didn't raise his head. "Yeah," he whispered. Anderson dropped his hand from Kaidan's shoulder and looked out on the Citadel.

"Sir, I want to be the one to escort her," Kaidan said earnestly as he looked at the Admiral.

Anderson seemed to tense and it was a moment before he spoke. "No, Alenko," he said without looking away from the scene in front of him. "I will be going. Given your…history with Shepard it would be best…" Anderson sighed and looked at Kaidan. "I'm not certain you could maintain a professional distance in this case."

Kaidan sighed and ran a hand over the back of his neck to try to reduce the tension there. He could feel a migraine coming on.

"Yes, sir," he said and stood up. "Will you keep me apprised?"

"Of course, Kaidan." Anderson held out his hand and shook Kaidan's. "Dismissed, Major," he said quietly.

Kaidan saluted and left the office. He returned to his quarters with a heavy heart. The woman who had called him seemed ready to fall apart and he wondered if perhaps the hearing would be the last straw. How much pressure did they think one person could take?

A/N: Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed this and I appreciate any feedback you have.

Only a few more days until ME 3 come out!


End file.
